The Smile Corner!!!

Chit Chat about general subjects.
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desert_hawk
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The Smile Corner!!!

Post by desert_hawk » Thu Sep 15, 2011 4:27 pm

Guys, let's have a post where you write the jokes you know, old or new, I am sure mine will be old ones for some of the old folks around here ;)

Keep it coming, so whenever we open this page during working hours, we'll have a smile and try to forget the stress of the work.

Just jokes, no comments, laughs or hijacking.

The site moderators hopefully will monitor the jokes and delete what's not suitable as they always do, enjoy your time Jo!!
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Stars do not make a driver, the driver makes the stars.

Don't think how many moments in your life, just think how much life is there in a moment.

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The Smile Corner!!!

Post by desert_hawk » Thu Sep 15, 2011 4:27 pm

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
FJCRUISER

Stars do not make a driver, the driver makes the stars.

Don't think how many moments in your life, just think how much life is there in a moment.

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Re: The Smile Corner!!!

Post by MalteJK » Thu Sep 15, 2011 4:41 pm

hehe good one.

Here's another one :

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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The Smile Corner!!!

Post by desert_hawk » Tue Sep 20, 2011 6:01 pm

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.

"Why?" asks his father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".

"But that's right," said his father.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the f**king difference?" asks his father.

"That's what I said!"
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Stars do not make a driver, the driver makes the stars.

Don't think how many moments in your life, just think how much life is there in a moment.

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The Smile Corner!!!

Post by desert_hawk » Tue Sep 20, 2011 6:08 pm

The teacher stopped to lecture Johnny for making faces in class.

"Johnny, when I was small, my mother used to tell me that if I made ugly faces it would freeze and stay like that."

Little Johnny looked up at her and thoughtfully replied

"Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
FJCRUISER

Stars do not make a driver, the driver makes the stars.

Don't think how many moments in your life, just think how much life is there in a moment.

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Re: The Smile Corner!!!

Post by mamoun » Tue Sep 20, 2011 6:50 pm

Boy: Marry me.. ?
Girl: Do you have a house.. ?
Boy: No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ?
Boy: No..
Girl: How much is your salary.. ?
Boy: No salary.. but,..
Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.!!



Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche.. Why I still need to buy BMW.?! How can I get the salary when actually I'm the BOSS..
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Re: The Smile Corner!!!

Post by MalteJK » Tue Sep 20, 2011 7:21 pm

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
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The Smile Corner!!!

Post by desert_hawk » Tue Sep 20, 2011 8:01 pm

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
FJCRUISER

Stars do not make a driver, the driver makes the stars.

Don't think how many moments in your life, just think how much life is there in a moment.

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Re: The Smile Corner!!!

Post by zeer » Wed Sep 21, 2011 9:17 am

10 rules for men
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.

2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.

3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.

4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.

5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.

6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.

7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.

9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.

10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other
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Re: The Smile Corner!!!

Post by Fizz » Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:27 am

A pot head was walking one day, and he trips and falls into the garbage.

Another pot head walks by and see's the *** sticking in the air. He pokes it, and the guy screams.

The second pot head goes, "That's strange. The *** seems to be working. Why did they throw it out?"

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Re: The Smile Corner!!!

Post by MalteJK » Wed Sep 21, 2011 3:14 pm

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
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Re: The Smile Corner!!!

Post by tillybean » Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:48 am

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 a.m. and it's bloody pouring rain in buckets out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself. God loves drunk people too you know."

The man finally does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Tillybean / Sam

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Re: The Smile Corner!!!

Post by khaiwi » Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:53 am

The author said.

Little boy kills a butterfly, Dad says no butter for 2 weeks!!!!
Little boy kills honeybee, Dad says no honey for 2 weeks!!!!

Mom kills a cockroach, little boy turns to dad and says are you gonna tell her or shall I ???????????????????????? :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:
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Re: The Smile Corner!!!

Post by tillybean » Wed Sep 28, 2011 9:18 am

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape..
· My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace..
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Tillybean / Sam

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Re: The Smile Corner!!!

Post by khaiwi » Mon Oct 03, 2011 6:25 pm

Greatest love story in Japan.

...
.
... ............
.......
.........
...........
.........
..................

............................... 人的不满和愤怒。《红楼梦》里的林黛玉被某日本游戏 商塑造成风尘女子;《西 月13日报道:近来,日本文化界恶搞他国名著已造成越来越大的风波和反响。原版格林童 话中的血腥描写让很多读者反感,对中国名著的恶搞更激起了许多人的不满和愤怒。比如, 《红楼梦》里的林黛玉被某日本游戏商塑造成风尘女子;《西游记》里的唐僧和孙悟空居然 在日本某电视剧中谈起了恋爱;《三国演义》则更倒霉,被众多情色动漫和黄色游戏拿去当 素材不说,在即将推出的电游《恋姬无双》里,干脆从刘备关羽张飞到孙权曹

Its a great story
..especially when he told her:

张飞到孙权
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